Is That In My Job Description?

Last week, I got in trouble (not trouble trouble, more like you’re in a world of shit trouble) with my boss because according to him, I had failed to follow up on a particular agenda, but it’s really a classic case of “save face.” He had asked me to review, edit, and gather signatures for an agreement. I did what was requested and e-mailed him the final agreement. I assumed that the project was completed when I didn’t hear anything about the issue. I’ve already presented the smoking gun, so if you’ve guess that I’m wrong, you’re right! My boss blew up at me, and instead of talking to me directly about it, he had his right hand woman talk to me. The conversation was extremely confusing because she didn’t know all the details. But in the end, it really didn’t matter that I didn’t do anything wrong because I should have known to follow up on this project and asked him where this agreement was suppose to go (it had turned out that he had forgotten to send the agreement to HR and thus had delayed the process), even though he did not specify anything beyond “return revised and signed agreement to me.” So ladies and gentlemen, it is my job to anticipate the needs of a moody, diabetic Guatemalan. Why do I feel so violated?     

The Heavenely Scent of Lysol

Engineering came over today for inspections, and when one of them saw the state of our restrooms, he immediately got on his radio and loudly proclaimed, "Good grief, the bathrooms are a mess! There's trash everywhere, there's nobody servicing this! Where's the housekeeper, is he on his break? I mean, this is just embarrassing!" The promise of a lemon scented bathroom with toilet and paper towels is a little overwhelming right now, and a tear is sitting on top of my left lacrimal caruncle and it's threatening to spill over. So guy who works for engineering, I salute you!

Don't Listen To Your Friends

I've made a choice to stop being a whiny bitch and look for a new job. I'm terrified of the unknown, but I need to suck it up and do it. It's not like I need the money and I have resources to find another job. I work hard, and I know I can meet challenges successfully, but you'll never know that if you've ever interviewed me. I comb blogs and friends for tips, practice in front of the mirror, and even have a mental Rolodex of examples of my virtues, but the moment I step into the room, my voice will start shaking (once it was so bad that my teeth were chattering like it was below freezing) and my pits become drenched in the most vinegary sweat.

One of the most common tips my friends give me is that I need to act like I know shit I don't know anything about. And being the dumbass I am, I followed this piece of gold nugget today. So when my interviewer asked me about my skills in Excel, I made it sound like I shat Excel rainbows on a daily basis. So when his follow up question was "Can you please tell me what the "and" function does?" I freaked out and sputtered a few mumbled words out, but I knew I was done. I feel like an asshole for lying, and I should have gone with the truth. So I've learned my lesson, and from now on, this bitch is going do me...is that how the saying goes?

It's Dificult Because You Make It Difficult

We have no reliable janitors at work. Probably because the organization we must use hire these awesome guys straight out of prison or rehab. So we frequently run out of toilet paper in the bathroom, have an ant problem because the trash is never taken out, and the carpet is disgusting because vacuuming is only done once a month if we're lucky. So it's really up to employees to do all these wonderful things, but nobody does it for free. The incentive is not appreciation of a clean workplace but a gift card in small denomination either at Applebees, Safeway, Red Lobster, Red Robin, Chili's, or Starbucks. All very classy and delightful choices I might add. But you know what, as cheesy as this is going to sound, the best rewards come when your supervisors or co-workers notice and appreciate the extra things you do to help the team. I don't do what I do for the appreciation, otherwise I would be one bitter asshole, but it's nice to be noticed. But you know what's better than appreciation? When your boss comes in with a Costco bag size of chocolate treats and starts throwing them onto the desks of employees he values. No chocolate was thrown at me, and I'm butt hurt. I don't work with my boss directly like many of my co-workers, so I don't expect him to include me in lunch outings or try to have a conversation with me when I bump into him in the break room, but what a dick thing to do.

Smells Amazing, Taste Like Crap

We had a site wide meeting for our department today. It's one of those moral boost pow wows, but mostly it provided an audience for my boss to pontificate his achievements. I also like to mention that it was accompanied by complimentary bagels and coffee to entice the enthralled because I certainly was. The meeting did provide a wonderful opportunity to train myself to nap with my eyes open. Toward the end of his hour long speech, I was rudely shaken awake by one succulent line, "I think if you're upfront and honest, your people will be more loyal to you." How I wished my supervisor was there to hear those magical words and take it to heart. But fortunately, I live in reality where the only thing I could do was sip my black cherry tea that smelled wonderful, but tasted like nothing.

Bread And Butter

You know the co-worker that is disliked by almost everybody in the office? Well, there are several in my office. One of them is E because she has selective cleaning OCD. Sure, she'll loan you a pen, but she'll make a big show of taking out her Cost-Co size isopropyl  and sanitizing it before she places it back into her writing utensil tray. But I've seen that bitch drop a Star Burst, rise it off, and popped it into her mouth! I think everybody knows that she's passive aggressively telling you that she doesn't like you, so it's not rare to stumble upon an occasional bashing on this particular individual. But you know what is uncomfortable? When your supervisor does it. Sure, I could have joined in because everybody knows that I love to hate, but remember my resolution? So I did what most people would do - kept my fucking mouth shut and listened. You always have a choice, and I could have said that his comments were inappropriate, but I choose to stay on my supervisor's good side because in the future, I might ask for a raise or a recommendation. And that's how the bread is buttered.

You So Cray

You know you work with crazies when...

1. Your boss sends everybody a fascinating paper on "Unskilled and Unaware of It: How Difficulties in Recognizing One's Own Incompetence Lead to Inflated Self-Assessments."
2. Your supervisor tells your new co-worker about her crazy cat obsession (everything from how she had to put down one of her cats a year ago because she was pooping everywhere and how she likes to collect strays) on her second day.
3. Your co-worker insists that you change the font for the weekly minutes because she finds it offensive.