Better Living Through Jealously

One of my duties is to process reimbursements, so people often misunderstand the power I hold. I’m not the one who decides on the policy or the one to reject their reimbursement, but they think I do. I agree that I should have those powers because I wouldn't have to eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and get really excited for free shampoo samples. A lot of the things I advise them to do is based on experience and knowledge of the policies. I'm not trying to screw anybody over because guess what? We work together, so we're on the same team! In the past, I had a couple PIs who insisted on doing it their way. And yes, it pissed me off that they thought they knew my job better than I do. But you know what, I’m just a lowly administrative assistant who laughs really hard when their reimbursement is delayed or even better, rejected!

I’ve processed reimbursements for crazy shit like a 10 pound bag of sugar for a “dinner party”, six roasted chickens for “dinner” for two, lodging in Monaco (seriously, what business requires you to be in freaking Monaco!?), and every single lunch that my boss takes me or my co-workers (this one is suppose to be a secret). But you know what baffles me? When they attach e-mails with too much information or fail to black out unnecessary information on their credit card bills. The worst offender? My boss. I don’t want to know that my boss invited his friend out here so they can swim in the frigid Pacific together, that what his wife spends at the salon equates to my bi-weekly paycheck, that he has colon issues that requires frequent check ups, or that he calls him mom every day (this shouldn't be strange to me considering that he has confessed that he’s always pining for her approval).

It makes me feel awkward to know such intimate knowledge about my boss. I don't want to go into the break room and see him chow down on prunes and think about the colonoscopy he had last week. But perhaps I have the wrong perspective. Now, let me try on my egomaniac boss's shoes and ponder a bit. Hmmm...maybe it’s because he knows that I love to live vicariously through him? Why else the intrigue in my poor childhood? The disgust at my inability to procure organic strawberries from the Farmer's Market? That must be it!

I'm also pretty sure he's not aware that identity thief is rampant these days. Good thing this employee takes the time to black out and shred his personal info.