Is That Grounds for Termination?

One of my co-workers has been MIA for the past two weeks, and when she finally came in today, her eyes were red and full of tears. I assumed the worst. Maybe her grandfather passed away or her partner was in a horrific car accident. Even though I don't know her very well, I sent her an e-mail and let her know that if there was anything I could do for her, let me know. Alright folks, I may be a bitch, but I'm not totally heartless and I really meant what I said. She wrote back and asked for some help locating a box of tissues. T-Rex likes to hoard all the good supplies so instead of handing her a box of tissue made from fine brillo pads, I unscrupulously snatched a box of name brand tissue from under T-Rex's desk. I know, sacrilegious! I'm not really good with crying vaginas, even mine own, so I just stood there awkwardly while she sobbed into the box. Yes, into the motherfucking box. Mid sob, she takes a break to ask me if I want to see her guinea pig. I think it's a strange request, but the girl is a mess, so I say sure. I'm faking oooing and ahhing noises over numerous pictures of an obese guinea pig when she erupts and tells me how her guinea pig is dying and she just haven't been able to work because of it. I gave her a pat on the shoulder and walked away. Bitch is cray.

Better Living Through Jealously

One of my duties is to process reimbursements, so people often misunderstand the power I hold. I’m not the one who decides on the policy or the one to reject their reimbursement, but they think I do. I agree that I should have those powers because I wouldn't have to eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and get really excited for free shampoo samples. A lot of the things I advise them to do is based on experience and knowledge of the policies. I'm not trying to screw anybody over because guess what? We work together, so we're on the same team! In the past, I had a couple PIs who insisted on doing it their way. And yes, it pissed me off that they thought they knew my job better than I do. But you know what, I’m just a lowly administrative assistant who laughs really hard when their reimbursement is delayed or even better, rejected!

I’ve processed reimbursements for crazy shit like a 10 pound bag of sugar for a “dinner party”, six roasted chickens for “dinner” for two, lodging in Monaco (seriously, what business requires you to be in freaking Monaco!?), and every single lunch that my boss takes me or my co-workers (this one is suppose to be a secret). But you know what baffles me? When they attach e-mails with too much information or fail to black out unnecessary information on their credit card bills. The worst offender? My boss. I don’t want to know that my boss invited his friend out here so they can swim in the frigid Pacific together, that what his wife spends at the salon equates to my bi-weekly paycheck, that he has colon issues that requires frequent check ups, or that he calls him mom every day (this shouldn't be strange to me considering that he has confessed that he’s always pining for her approval).

It makes me feel awkward to know such intimate knowledge about my boss. I don't want to go into the break room and see him chow down on prunes and think about the colonoscopy he had last week. But perhaps I have the wrong perspective. Now, let me try on my egomaniac boss's shoes and ponder a bit. Hmmm...maybe it’s because he knows that I love to live vicariously through him? Why else the intrigue in my poor childhood? The disgust at my inability to procure organic strawberries from the Farmer's Market? That must be it!

I'm also pretty sure he's not aware that identity thief is rampant these days. Good thing this employee takes the time to black out and shred his personal info.        

Bitch, Don't Interrupt Me

I work on the VA campus, so you can imagine the hoops we have to jump through if we want to order drugs. Don't get me started on isopropyl...Anyways, a huge issued came up today and I called an emergency meeting to resolve it. Once all of us were there, T-Rex starts spewing some random shit about her portion of the project. I was livid and call her out on hijacking my meeting. Her response? "I'm not finished yet. You interrupted me."

The thing that really got to me is that she assumed she knew what I wanted to discuss because she has had ten years of experience and knows everything. It's not just today, it's been almost everyday day for the past two years since I've been here. She has refused to listen to my feedback, put me down, ridiculed me, intentionally withheld information from me, and so on. I guess that's what happens when you're on the bottom of the totem pole, but why do I get the worst of it from other women?

Is That In My Job Description?

Last week, I got in trouble (not trouble trouble, more like you’re in a world of shit trouble) with my boss because according to him, I had failed to follow up on a particular agenda, but it’s really a classic case of “save face.” He had asked me to review, edit, and gather signatures for an agreement. I did what was requested and e-mailed him the final agreement. I assumed that the project was completed when I didn’t hear anything about the issue. I’ve already presented the smoking gun, so if you’ve guess that I’m wrong, you’re right! My boss blew up at me, and instead of talking to me directly about it, he had his right hand woman talk to me. The conversation was extremely confusing because she didn’t know all the details. But in the end, it really didn’t matter that I didn’t do anything wrong because I should have known to follow up on this project and asked him where this agreement was suppose to go (it had turned out that he had forgotten to send the agreement to HR and thus had delayed the process), even though he did not specify anything beyond “return revised and signed agreement to me.” So ladies and gentlemen, it is my job to anticipate the needs of a moody, diabetic Guatemalan. Why do I feel so violated?     

The Heavenely Scent of Lysol

Engineering came over today for inspections, and when one of them saw the state of our restrooms, he immediately got on his radio and loudly proclaimed, "Good grief, the bathrooms are a mess! There's trash everywhere, there's nobody servicing this! Where's the housekeeper, is he on his break? I mean, this is just embarrassing!" The promise of a lemon scented bathroom with toilet and paper towels is a little overwhelming right now, and a tear is sitting on top of my left lacrimal caruncle and it's threatening to spill over. So guy who works for engineering, I salute you!

Don't Listen To Your Friends

I've made a choice to stop being a whiny bitch and look for a new job. I'm terrified of the unknown, but I need to suck it up and do it. It's not like I need the money and I have resources to find another job. I work hard, and I know I can meet challenges successfully, but you'll never know that if you've ever interviewed me. I comb blogs and friends for tips, practice in front of the mirror, and even have a mental Rolodex of examples of my virtues, but the moment I step into the room, my voice will start shaking (once it was so bad that my teeth were chattering like it was below freezing) and my pits become drenched in the most vinegary sweat.

One of the most common tips my friends give me is that I need to act like I know shit I don't know anything about. And being the dumbass I am, I followed this piece of gold nugget today. So when my interviewer asked me about my skills in Excel, I made it sound like I shat Excel rainbows on a daily basis. So when his follow up question was "Can you please tell me what the "and" function does?" I freaked out and sputtered a few mumbled words out, but I knew I was done. I feel like an asshole for lying, and I should have gone with the truth. So I've learned my lesson, and from now on, this bitch is going do me...is that how the saying goes?

It's Dificult Because You Make It Difficult

We have no reliable janitors at work. Probably because the organization we must use hire these awesome guys straight out of prison or rehab. So we frequently run out of toilet paper in the bathroom, have an ant problem because the trash is never taken out, and the carpet is disgusting because vacuuming is only done once a month if we're lucky. So it's really up to employees to do all these wonderful things, but nobody does it for free. The incentive is not appreciation of a clean workplace but a gift card in small denomination either at Applebees, Safeway, Red Lobster, Red Robin, Chili's, or Starbucks. All very classy and delightful choices I might add. But you know what, as cheesy as this is going to sound, the best rewards come when your supervisors or co-workers notice and appreciate the extra things you do to help the team. I don't do what I do for the appreciation, otherwise I would be one bitter asshole, but it's nice to be noticed. But you know what's better than appreciation? When your boss comes in with a Costco bag size of chocolate treats and starts throwing them onto the desks of employees he values. No chocolate was thrown at me, and I'm butt hurt. I don't work with my boss directly like many of my co-workers, so I don't expect him to include me in lunch outings or try to have a conversation with me when I bump into him in the break room, but what a dick thing to do.