ESL

Me: Should I cancel this?

O: Yes, done.

Me: You’ve already done it?

O: No, cancel it.

Me: Can you forward me that e-mail?

O: Actually, it’s already been done.

Me: I don’t see it?

O: I’ll send it to you right now.

I have conversations like this all the time with my supervisor. It’s frustrating because he’ll inevitably become upset and tell me, “Do not misunderstand me!” In that case, does that translate to no means yes and yes means no? I understand that ESL speakers may find it difficult to convey ideas at times because I’ve had to deal with my ESL parents my entire life. For instance, when I graduated college, my mom told me that I needed to hang out at UCSF so I can find a rich doctor boyfriend to be dependent on. I was like, what the hell? All my life, my mom told me to stay away from “the boys” and then suddenly she tells me that I need a rich doctor boyfriend immediately? Something must have been lost in translation so I asked her to explain. She patiently explained to me that “dependent like you go back to school to become doctor and he pay for it.” Oh wait, that wasn’t a misunderstanding.

My mom has been speaking English for the past 26+ years, and I have to commend her because English is hard bitch to learn. Cantonese doesn’t have all the phonemes in the English language (this is why t’s, d’s, and l’s are difficult for Cantonese ESL speakers) and it’s difficult to translate certain words in English so I understand that the inability to articulate what you mean is stressful. My English is pretty atrocious despite the fact that I’m a native speaker and you know that whole thing about black kettles. So I guess what I’m trying to say is that I need to chill the fuck out and be more understanding. Now, I need to work on those de-stressing breathing exercises I learned on YouTube…      

Pat Robertson Is Law

One of my supervisors went on a mini rant yesterday about how her daughter’s teacher violated her amendment rights by telling her that she can’t write about God. She goes on to tell me that she wrote to the American Center for Law and Justice and was informed that her daughter’s right was infringed upon and was also encouraged to sue. Now, I’ve never heard of American Center for Law and Justice, so my supervisor pulled up the webpage and showed it to me. I was alarmed when I noticed that there was a blurry YouTube image of a man that resembled Pat Robertson on the home page, but my supervisor assured me that the website was very reliable and informative. She even encouraged me to check it out, but “don’t check it out if you like Obama because there’s a lot of Obama bashing.” Erm…yeah…I just weakly smiled and walked away.  

For those of you who don’t know, students in the state of California can freely express their religious beliefs as long as they are not disruptive, so I’m all for her daughter talking about God and Jesus in school. However, it worries me when someone believes media mogul Pat Robertson is more credible than the ACLU. But then again, she thought this video was the real deal - 

I had to explain to her about CGI because she’s never heard of it, and even then, I knew that she didn’t believe me. But come on, the shadowing and the ripples in the water were so off!

I’ve always believed that no question is a stupid question because when you’re asking, you’re learning. But how does one transition that to critical thinking?   

          

You Know You Work In Research When...

you look up, there's no ceiling.

The Quarter Life Crisis

When I was a little girl, I wanted to be a teacher. My mom told me I couldn’t be a teacher because I would be poor. I was horrified, so I resolved to stop romanticizing myself as Ms. Honey (that's a Roald Dahl reference for the noobs) and find another career choice. I thought being a counselor would be awesome because psychology was the only thing that interested me.

In college, one of the requirements for graduation was a civic duty class. We had to find a volunteer job that was related to our field of study that would help us figure out what we wanted to do in the real world while serving the community at the same time. It took me no time to figure out that it was impossible to find a volunteer position at an esteemed institution because the waiting list went around the block like a dirty trick. A couple weeks in, I decided I couldn’t wait any longer for a “possible” call back, so I  sucked it up and signed up for a position at the YMCA in the Tenderloin.

I was initially a tutor in the computer lab. The kids came in after school and were allowed to play online until 4pm, which was when they had to start on their homework. Every week, I came in and sat in my corner and fearfully asked the kids to log off MySpace and pull out their homework, and they always said the same thing – We don’t have homework. Maybe I should have been more assertive, but when you’re in a room full of 13-year-old boys who were twice your size with facial bruises, you just meekly nod in agreement. I complained to my supervisor and he told me that I couldn’t do anything about it, but it was at least better than being on the streets. I quietly continue to baby sit them for a few more weeks before I asked the director to transfer me.

I ended up playing scrabble with grannies who were former prostitutes and immigrants, and it was great! I learned so many new things from them, but honestly, they didn’t need me, and at times I felt that they were trying to entertain me. I went back to the director and told her that I wanted volunteer with the kids in a way that was meaningful, and that’s how I ended up cooking for them.

I was a shit cook, but I’ve seen my Popo cook enough times to know that you could saute anything with onions and garlic and it would be delicious. For the first time the kids acknowledged me and I think one of them even used my real name! And who doesn’t like to hear that my “shit smells and taste hella gooood.” But by then, I only had a couple more weeks left, and when my last day came, I was thrilled that I didn’t have to step foot in there anymore. I realized that I couldn’t make a positive impact in these children’s lives because their basic needs were not being met. Honestly, who cares about homework when you have to worry about where you’re going to sleep that night or where your next meal is going to come from.   

This changed how I felt about my career choice and I knew that I didn’t have the strength or patience to be any kind of a counselor. I quietly graduated and found a job in research pushing paper. I’m 26 now, and still don’t know what to do with my life.  

Bitch Is Just A Nickname

Our admin group is probably not the friendliest, especially with The Russian who uses her OCD issues as a defense mechanism and T-Rex who hordes and dispenses office supplies according to her personal merit system. I have to admit, I'm not very nice sometimes, especially when assholes come up to me and tell me that I need to buy sugar for coffee IMMEDIATELY or when people call me by the other Asian's name. So it's really no wonder that people have special nicknames for us, but I was surprised to find out that my nickname was The Short One.

There are five women in this department, and all of us are petite, but I am the tallest of the petite! You can argue that I'm over reacting to this issue, and I have to confess that this probably stems from the shame I've felt about my physical underdevelopment in my child, teen, and part of my young adulthood years. Ladies and gents, I didn't lose the baby fat in my face and develop breasts and hips until I was 22. I also experienced a roughly 1.5 inch growth spurt. I'm not a ravishing beauty, but at least you can see that the mosquito bites on my chest vaguely resembles female secondary sex characteristics.

You know the typical rite of passage into adulthood where you got pissed face drunk and slutted around with your cohorts and you finally felt like a man or woman? I didn't do any of that, but when this physical transformation came, it was as if I was finally initiated into this exclusive club! But more than that, it was certainly a relief when the number of men my grandfather's age sexually harassing me dropped to a trickled. So to call me The Short One makes me feel like I'm a 12-year-old boy again, and to castrate me verbally like that makes me butt hurt. On the bright side, I'm not The Angry One or The Old Asian Bitch.

Shit Just Got Real

Personal note from T-Rex to us. Passive aggressive much?

Medicate Me

Based on an informal survey, a couple people (re: co-workers) think I might be depressed, but I honestly don't know because I tend to use my rock bottom moment as my baseline. I'm not on some stranger's rooftop pissed face drunk, so I feel like I'm doing ok. Just to make sure, I decided to get a second opinion. I would ask my closest friend, but she's in Chicago right now. But you know me, I'm just an attention whore and I have no sense of personal boundaries, so I asked my co-workers. Both said yes, maybe. And there there are the several people who have recommended that I start drinking because I was so stressed about work. But I'm not sure because my outlook on life is this: life is shitty and you suffer the majority of the time. Maybe that isn't so healthy? I'm going to call my doctor, but I haven't picked up the phone yet. Is this what being an adult is all about - calling your primary care physician for meds?

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